The Week I Got My Mojo Back
Sandra Monday, June 16, 2014
This week's post is going to be on a more reflective side. A heart-to-heart, if I may say so. I mean, I'm not even sure what exactly I'm going to tell you yet, because this blabber will be completely spontaneous, but I just have to get some things off my chest. The last few weeks have been hard for me. Don't worry, nothing terrible happened. I just felt a bit...down. All the things that have been stressing me out recently piled up, kind of ended up breaking my spirit, and made me question my whole life, pretty much.
First, there is the whole exam/uni/work/life situation. I am two exams away from graduating, and this freaks me out. Not only do I feel like I'm never going to pass a certain exam that has been causing me panic attacks for the past two years, and end up being a college dropout after wasting three years of my life at university, but I also don't know what to do with my life in case I do manage to finish uni. According to our society (and my parents), the right thing to do would be to spend another two years at university to get my MA. But I'm just not sure if this would be the right fit for me at this point. If I only think about having to go to uni for another two years, putting all my 'hobbies' on hold to get a degree in something I don't even want to do in my life (teaching), I instantly become depressed. But then again, what would I be doing if I decided not to go back to uni? Getting a job in my country is misson impossible, and my hobbies will unfortunatelly not be paying the bills any time soon either. You see why all this freaks me out a bit?
Speaking of my hobbies, they too unfortunatelly seemed to bring me more disappointment and frustration than happiness in the past few months. It's hard to put your heart, soul, time and money into things and get nothing in return. Running my online store, blogging and doing youtube are all hobbies I enjoy doing A LOT, but if I don't get the support or any sort of feedback from other people, it makes me question whether this is something I should even be doing. Sometimes I feel like nobody even cares about the content I'm putting out there anymore, while others are getting all this amazing feedback for putting up one crappy photo and a review that is no longer than a sentence. I'm not saying that other people's blogs suck or that mine is oh-so-amazing, but when you know that some who are doing it for all the wrong reasons and not even putting much effort into it are getting all the credit, it's a little bit disheartening to say the least.
And then there's the disappointment that came with me launching my own online store. I didn't have any high expectations to begin with, but when I realized there are tons of people around me who only want to see me fail, it hit me really hard. I was aware that my country is full of envious people who try to tear you apart as soon as they sense a touch of possible future success, but I had no idea how many of my 'friends' were a part of that bunch. When you start your own business with no connections and no funds whatsoever, you would expect your friends to at least help you spread the word about it. But no, even clicking a like button on facebook is apparently too hard for some people. Anyway, at least I got to see who my true friends are. If you're one of those people who helped me out even by just clicking that like button, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. You probably don't even know how much it means to me. I will make sure to return the favour. And remember, we always have karma on our side. :)
Phew, I really did get some things off my chest, haven't I? This post probably doesn't even make sense, but I guess the point in me telling you all this is to let you know that removing myself from the online world for the past few weeks wasn't all rain and sadness. Yes, I hated studying and all the stress that stupid exam caused me, but the distance helped to resolve a lot of issues I had in my head. No, I still don't know what the future holds for me, but I know that I want to continue doing the things I love with or without the support. I first started blogging four years ago and not a single soul read the word I wrote until two years after. Two years. And I still happily blogged my life away almost every day. Why? Because I loved it. I still do. I can't imagine my life without it anymore and that's why I'm back. I'm back with some fresh ideas and I-don't-give-a-f**k attitude. It's time to start doing things my way and stop caring what other people do or think of me. Again. Talk to you soon! And thank you to those of you who continue to support me. I love you to pieces!